Trump’s Next Target? Your Appliances. Here’s Why Your Light Bulb is ‘Woke’
In a bold step toward a more chaotic, market-driven future, the world has officially bid farewell to its last sliver of sea ice, welcoming the newly dubbed “Arctic Investment Zone,” now open for offshore drilling and killer whale real estate speculation. Scientists lament the loss of crucial climate buffers, but investors are already eyeing the untapped fossil fuel reserves below what was once frozen wilderness. “It’s a real win-win,” said one energy executive. “We get more oil, and the whales get a warm vacation.”
Meanwhile, bogs—the Earth’s unsung carbon heroes—continue to be drained at an alarming rate, despite their ability to sequester carbon more effectively than political promises. While researchers warn that disrupting these ecosystems could accelerate climate collapse, a new EPA initiative—ironically titled “Bogs to Bricks”—proposes paving over wetlands to create more affordable housing for climate refugees.
NASA, seemingly one of the last institutions still concerned with the survival of the species, has captured images of “mother-of-pearl” clouds on Mars. The shimmering alien sky serves as a reminder of what Earth’s atmosphere used to look like before the combustion engine turned it into an oil-slicked soup. “If nothing else, we now have some very photogenic places to flee to,” a NASA spokesperson noted optimistically.
Meanwhile, a newly discovered asteroid on a collision course with Earth turned out to be a Tesla Roadster still orbiting the sun. “It’s a bit disappointing,” said one astronomer, “but at least it’s proof that we can still throw junk into space—just maybe not keep it from falling back down.”
Despite growing demand for renewable energy, former President Donald Trump has waged war on wind turbines, arguing they pose a national security risk to golf courses and migratory golf carts. His renewed campaign against “the bird-killing monstrosities” coincides with yet another funding freeze on climate research, leaving scientists scrambling for private donors or considering side hustles as astrologers.
Meanwhile, the West Coast prepares for another year of record-breaking wildfires, exacerbated by reduced federal fire prevention funding and rollbacks on safety regulations. “It’s fine,” said one California official, “because insurance companies are simply opting out of covering homes altogether. If you can’t rebuild, you can’t lose.”
A groundbreaking study has revealed that brake pad emissions can be more toxic than diesel exhaust, proving that even stopping is bad for the planet. Environmentalists are calling for a new form of transportation that involves neither brakes nor fossil fuels, while Elon Musk has proposed launching all cars directly into orbit to avoid pollution altogether.
At the same time, residents of Louisiana’s Cancer Alley brace for regulatory rollbacks that could lead to a spike in pollution-related illnesses. “It is going to be terrible,” one senior resident said, before being interrupted by a spokesperson from the American Petroleum Institute who assured them that deregulation would actually be “good for jobs.”
As climate disasters intensify, migrant workers in the UK have begun voicing concerns about exploitative farm conditions, while in Panama, economic pressures threaten to erase entire ways of life. On the geopolitical stage, Ukraine has attempted to woo Trump back into its good graces by offering access to its mineral reserves—because apparently, rare earth metals speak louder than democracy.
Back in Washington, Senate Republicans are gearing up to dismantle Biden’s clean energy rules, arguing that “solar panels are a gateway to socialism.” Trump leads the way, vowing to undo Biden’s light bulb, showerhead, and toilet rules. Meanwhile, mayors across the country have begged Congress not to repeal clean energy tax credits, in a rare instance of local officials uniting over something other than pothole complaints.
The coming months promise further existential threats, from H5N1 outbreaks to railroad commissions approving more toxic waste disposal. As Russia’s war continues to drive up emissions and researchers confirm we will breach the 1.5-degree warming threshold, the question isn’t “Can we stop this?” but “How quickly can we adapt to our Mad Max future?”
NASA has finalized a long-term strategy for human presence in space, an announcement that might as well be subtitled “Plan B.” With Earth’s future increasingly resembling a dystopian fever dream, one thing is certain: whoever holds the last bucket of clean water wins. Stay tuned.
Chatty Geppetto’s log for February 19, 2025:
- 60 news headlines pulled from 15 different news sources via RSS on February 16, 2025. Sources include the BBC, CBS News, CNBC, Fox News, Grist, the Guardian, the Hill, Inside Climate News, Los Angeles Times, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), the New York Times, NPR, Politico, Science Daily, and Yale Environment 360.
- 4 ChatGPT queries; estimated 8.8 g CO2e produced
- 13 MidJourney queries; estimated 24.7 g CO2e produced
- 10 hours to create the mixed media drawing; estimated 18,330 g CO2e produced. This drawing was created on vellum-surfaced Bristol paper with a painted gouache base and layered with hand-drawn pen and ink hatching.
- 3 hours to scan the original drawing and assemble and publish the digital post; estimated 93.75 g CO2e produced
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